To me, my future daughter, and all other females out there

Wow, 2 years huh? That's how long I have abandoned this space. Well I don't know if I'm back but I've been feeling a strong urge to write in the last few days. So here we go. Btw, I'm liking what Google has done to Blogger. I feel like I'm such a newbie to this! Anyways...

I gave up Social Media for lent. So you can say that I've been deprived of a channel to share things or say my opinion of something. Which for some of you, that might be a good thing as I don't think you want to listen to all my rantings. But there's one thing that I've been wanting to share and discuss. And that one thing is this:

Bunheads' Makin Whoppee.

I absolutely love love love this particular choreography. Why? Because everything about this choreography is perfect! From the choice of Sam Phillips' Makin Whoppee. Ahh.. her voice is just perfect. And the use of the set! That whole opening scene that uses the set as "shopping windows" for these girls was smart. And then the dance! It was choreographed and performed so beautifully. The choreography was a perfect mix of teenage girls innocence, curiosity, and frustration of trying to understand a whole new world of sensuality of sexuality. Yes, it's the perfect Lolita effect. If I could pick a dance that would illustrate a stage of my teenage life, this is probably it. The movements in the dance were a perfect marriage of fun and tease to be performed by young women. And what I love the most about the choreography is how it has a lot of power in it, which then led me to this next thought.

If I could go back to my teenage self, I would probably go back to the moment when I just had my period and tell her that she's not just becoming a woman, she now has power in her hand. And to quote spiderman, with great power comes great responsibility. That she has the power to conceive and bear a whole human inside her. That she has the power of sensuality that should not be used to gain advantage but should be very much acknowledge and be a part of her. That she has the power of the feminine that enables her to behave and feel in ways that are completely different from the men. And that all these powers are the most beautiful things we women have. That they differentiate us from the men but should not make us less than them.

And I know what y'all are thinking. My 11 y.o self will not listen to any of that crap. Of course not. She's 11.

Thankfully, I grew up just fine. I have grown up and learned all that lessons and I am loving my femininity. I am so thankful that I grew up in this day and age. That I don't have to face that many battles to be respected. The only battles I fight these days are people like Stephanie Meyer who create such a lousy female protagonist that makes me want to hit the backside of her head. I'm thankful for all those great women who had gone and fight the battles for the rest of us these days.  There are still real battles out there. Mostly against my own kind who limit themselves, who put them in these silos that makes them think they're not worthy to achieve greatness. I want to shake them and open their eyes and show them that anything is possible.

And no, we don't have to be the same as men because we are different. We are COMPLETELY different because our brains are just wired differently. So I do think people have to use the term 'equality' carefully because we can never be the same. But women are capable of achieving the achievements that are traditionally seen as male achievements. And I'm not men bashing at all. I do love men. And I've been very lucky in my life to meet men who are caring, smart, charismatic, and loving. And I'm very thankful that no assholes has cheated on me till today.

So with this super long post, I really just want to remind all the ladies out there to empower yourself and embrace your womanhood because we are beautiful, just the way we are. And no men-hating because without men, our lives won't be as good as they are right now.

Loves!

A year after

Today is approximately one year since I left LA. Given the major change associated with the move, I feel that it is only right to review what had happened in the last year.

So, here I am, one year later, in sunny Singapore. I can't believe it's been one year. It feels as if it was only yesterday I had korean BBQ right across the street from my old apt. I used to hate the way I smell coming back from a Korean BBQ, but I can almost smell its sweet savory scent right now, and it smells so good. Yes, I miss Korean BBQ.

Oh how I miss LA. Being a lazy ass, I still have a couple boxes of my things from LA that haven't been unpacked. Mainly books (I have too many books). But when I open those boxes, I can still smell my old apartment. My books smell like my old apartment. I miss my old tiny studio. I miss its hardwood floors. I definitely don't miss the bad water. I miss my small kitchen. All I'm left with are the memories of the time I spent there, the memories of the time I spent in LA.

But looking back, moving away was the right thing. I needed the change. It was not easy. It was difficult. So so difficult. But I had to do it. Mostly for my sanity. I was really unhappy. And those who know me knew that in the beginning of 2010 I just wasn't myself. I was completely a different person. I really don't want to be that sad depressed person ever again. It was really scary how I could not even help myself. Comparing the me now to the me then, I can happily say that I'm back to my old normal, crazy, random, joyful self. I'm loving what I do.

I'm actually extremely busy. My schedule is pretty much the same as my Big 4 auditor schedule. On average 10 - 12 hours days. 6 days a week. Sometimes, 7 days a week. I have mostly physical pain. Definitely no more mental pain. I couldn't believe how much exhausting the mental pain was. I am really passionate in what I do. The feeling of being able to believe in what you do and having a reason to do it was just priceless. I still can't believe I could go so long doing things that didn't mean anything to me. I remember having a sick feeling everyday after work. I remember that sick feeling of calling the clients to talk about issues. I still can't believe all the politics I had to go through. I had to effin hide under my desk on my last day at the client just because my boss didn't really tell the true story of why I'm leaving. How ridiculous was that?

Anyway, back to my life now. Life is good. except for the fact that I can't make money (or more like I have no time to make money). I'm healthy and happy. Met lotss of amazing people. Made lots of amazing friends. Although I miss all of my friends back in LA a lot! I miss the kind of jokes I do with them. The randomness. And all the stupid things we did.

I'm still very much single. Not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I guess both. Bad because, well, I'm single. It's really time to date again. Good because I probably need a break after a 5-year relationship. Anthony, if you read this, I do miss you. It's impossible not to miss someone that you spent years with. I really hope you're doing well dude :). But yes, back to my point of being single, if you know a good bachelor out here on the land of the lions, do let me know ;).

So yeah, those of you in LA has been asking when I'm coming back. Honestly I don't know. I don't know when I am going to be able to visit (i'm broke). But in terms of going back to live there, probably not anytime soon (or probably not ever?). I honestly don't know what the future beholds but all I know is that my next few years will be here, dancing my life away and getting many many more bruises :).

emotions

..you know one of those days when you just have so much emotions in you but you can't let it out. And as a result you wish you can just ... cry? Well i'm having one of those right now.

Singapore

When I left LA almost 6 months ago, as I said good bye to friends, I told each one of them "don't worry, the world is getting smaller". When I reached Singapore, I felt that I was so far away from them. The world is actually very vast. And then I thought, here I am in Singapore, stuck on this tiny island, figuring out the next step of my life.

When I left Singapore 10 years ago, after living here for two years, I told myself that I probably would think hundred of times before I ever lived here again. My time here in the two years were very memorable, ... and miserable at the same time. I thought that I could not stand the people because they were impolite and they were so kiasu. I could not stand how everyone was so selfish. I hated that people were not courteous.

But all that changed. As I visited Singapore during my vacations, I started to like the country more and more. This tiny island is actually one pretty amazing chilli padi. Now that I'm working on a whole production based on how people get to Singapore, I started to see the country in a completely new way. I started to see the people of Singapore in a new way. Most of the people here probably have ancestors that come from the surrounding area; China, Indonesia, Malaysia, etc. And most of them have one common thread of why they come to Singapore: to make a better living, to have a better life.

So this tiny island is actually a place of hope for a lot of people, including myself. With our hopes, we come to singapore, form communities and make this place our home. It might not be as green as the place we came from. It might not be as cold as the place we come from. It's small and hot, and it has crazy rains. The older people are still very kiasu and selfish. But as we take something from Singapore in pursue of our hopes and dreams, we also give something back to Singapore. Our culture, our customs, our stories.. and because of that, the Singapore culture continually evolves around the people that come and go. I think the Singapore today is different from the Singapore I came to 11 years ago.

I'm so glad that I gave Singapore another chance. This is as close to home as I can imagine. I love my days here, especially because all of the people I interact with every day. I'm building my little nest here and filling it with more hopes and dreams. And I hope I will leave something behind for this tiny island.

Exhaustion

It's week 6 of school and I can feel the exhaustion creeping in. I had full night sleep last night but I woke up still feeling tired. My body is physically tired when my mind is still up and running. But the body is dragging the mind down. So now it's 9 PM and I feel like passing out. I am so tired. Thank goodness for lebaran weekend. I am not celebrating it but I'm truly thankful for I can wind down and relax a bit.

But anyway, school is really exciting. Despite the exhaustion, I'm really excited for things that are coming up! First, I'll be dancing as a passistas for the convocation samba performance. I hope the costume won't be too revealing. Second, the foundation performance is shaping up (although I don't know how the hell we are going to finish everything in uhm.. 2 weeks??!!). Thirdly, so many great shows are coming and I'm going to see them. Last night I saw the theatre students playing Eurydice and it was sooo soo gooood. There's Putnam County spelling bee next week and I can't wait to see it!! I absolutely love being in an art school :).

In other matter, the heart is starting to go crazy again. I think I'm longing for some attention. The lack of one causes one's mood to go down the drain. Sigh, I think I need a drink. I think I got a jetlag.

Happy Saturday

Good morning, world!
I wanted to wake up late this Saturday, but my body automatically woke me up at 7 :(. Hahaha well I passed out at 10 i think. I was so tired and my body was aching all over. But I wouldn't trade this for anything!

Anyway, I am feeling hopelessly romantic today for some reasons. So, I'm rediscovering some love songs on my iTunes and this (below) popped up! One of my fav classics. Anyway, happy Saturday and may your day filled with love :).

"It's not the pale moon that excites me
That thrills and delights me
Oh no
It's just the nearness of you
It isn't your sweet conversation
That brings this sensation
Oh no
It's just the nearness of you

When you're in my arms and I feel you so close to me
All my wildest dreams came true
I need no soft lights to enchant me
If you would only grant me the right
to hold you ever so tight
And to feel in the night
The nearness of you"

Sense of belonging

Today, I finally started my first class as a dance student. Last night I couldn't get much sleep. Mostly it was anxiety and excitement all combined. Excitement because I'm finally doing what I'm doing. Anxiety because even until yesterday I wasn't sure if I was making the right decision. When I signed my acceptance letter for the school, I think I signed it with one eye closed. I knew that I wanted to dance, but I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it to satisfy my emotion or because I really wanted to do it. I think the thing that made me question everything was the hard work that I know I had to put in.

Now that I had my first day of class, I have to say, I really think the dance classes were alright. I mean they were good; they gave me the skills and technicality that I need and I'm lacking, but like I said, they are mostly hard work and they make my body sore. Besides, for the classes I just had to follow some routines, and they don't exactly make me jump in joy.

All that changes when my performance project "class" started. It was a collaborative class between all the performing arts (dance, music, theatre), and in the next few weeks, we are going to put together a performance. We had discussions... long discussions of the topic we are going to have and the director came with this concept that I absolutely love and at that moment, I remembered why I wanted to do this in the first place.

I love love love the process of creating a performance. I love the conceptual discussions. I love the brainstorming. Yes, it will be frustrating working with a lot of different people, but the end result will be so amazing that all the arguing and frustration will be worth it. I cannot wait to choreograph something for the performance. I absolutely love performing and being on stage inside a theatre.

And like I said to my ballet instructor today, I want to dance because I want to perform and inspire people.
And today I was reminded why in the first place I love the performing arts so much. I finally got that sense of belonging. I belong in the process, in the theatre, on the stage. And now I know I made the right decision.